Wednesday, February 2, 2011

This is where I am

It was 71 degrees today and it felt good. Especially given that a huge part of our country is covered in snow. There is no sun but, its warm. And warm is good. After chores and a little bookwork to keep the brain happy, I let the little people go outside and take advantage of the warmth. From what I hear it will be in the 40s if not lower tomorow.

At the encouragement of a friend, I'm going to share a little of my grief. I was reluctant to do so but, it is what it is. My girlfriend, who I call "Jamaica" passed away suddenly, and unexpectedly a little over a month ago. And although it has been a month, I don't feel the shock that I felt when I first heard the news. What hits me the most is that I still look for her car when I pass her job. I hear her voice in my head. I want to ask her opinion or share my ideas but, I can't.. I want to text her during the day but, I can't. I want to share my praise reports with her but, I can't. Because she is gone. She is no longer alive. She was my cheerleader and all I have left of her are memories.

I stood in my bedroom today looking out the window and watched the clouds slowly gliding across the gray sky and felt the permanence of her being gone from this earth. So up until now, I never asked God why. I figured that he knows what he's doing. I guess I was afraid to question Him. But part of me wants to know why so soon, why so sudden, and what would her life been like should she have lived? Would she have been okay? Would she have gotten sick? Would she have been the model of success that we saw she was evolving into? Would her life take a different path than what we expected it to? Did she have an epiphany after she died and realize that she wasn't at her apartment, but, that she was in heaven? Did the things of her world including the people in it mean nothing when she was greeted by loved ones in heaven? Did all that wondering melt away when she looked into the eyes of Jesus? The thought of finally being completely loved, fully enveloped in His love and warmth, like a cocoon, makes tears well up in my eyes and a lump come into my throat. I guess that is what makes me homesick. I don't mean homesick for crazy New Jersey, where I grew up. I mean homesick for the home that God has prepared for those who belong to Him, and serve Him. Homesick for a Heavenly place that I have read about, and heard about. Homesick for a place that I was before I was conceived. Homesick and longing to be covered in love. Loved by a Savior who when I look into His eyes, I know that nothing else matters except that I am accepted 100 % by Him. Loved 100% through and through by Him.

When Whoopi Goldberg lost her mother, she asked, Who will love her more than her mother? And I guess the answer is no one on earth. As I walk through this difficult process, I realize that in this life no one will love me more than my Savior... He was the only one who gave his life for me. I guess that is why He said that greater love has no man than he lay down his life for a friend. So yes I still miss my Jamaica and I probably always will.


Cindy said...

I feel your pain, it is a deep hurt. You are correct in that no one loves you more than the Lord. Praise Him for the time you had, and thank him for the memories. It is all that allows the pain to be bearable. My heart goes to you in your time of need. ~Cindy

eliz said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending (((HUGS))) and prayers.
p.s. I love your profile picture