Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 What will you hold?

Its been an interesting week here in my corner of the world.  My babies have been away on vacation, my first vacation without them and I can't wait to squeeze them when they get back.

I decided last minute to throw them a little New Years bash.  So I ran out today got a Pinata, some yummie stuff to do a chocolate fondue, stuff for nachos, kid friendly drinks, and a few decorations.  And with any luck as always someone on the lake will give us their own little amateur fire works display- which we always enjoy.  I am sooooo excited.

I can only believe and trust God that 2012 will only have good things in store for me and my little people.  I am so thankful for all  of the  "kingdom connections"  that I made this year.  Those are the people who I haven't known for long but, I have felt as though I have known them all my life.  Those are the people who have deposited and invested in me and have asked for nothing in return.  There is nothing more precious than giving or receiving the gift of time and for that I thank you.

I pray that all my readers who follow me publicly and privately will experience nothing more than peace this New Year 2012.  I pray that no matter what is going on around you that inside of you, you would know peace and rest in peace. I guess that 's my prayer for myself also.

Given all my ups and downs this last past  year, I am so grateful that the God of this universe has never given up on me.  Recognizing that brings to mind  a song that I will close this last post of 2011 with. It expresses how my heart feels this New Years Eve.  Besides its smooth urban sound,  the song has simple yet profound lyrics.   The artist is  Marvin Sapp, the song is  entitled,  "The Best in Me".    Here's the video below.  Enjoy and have a wonderful first day of your new year!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Life Lessons

When I started this blog years ago, my intention was to keep it real about motherhood & wifehood.  Over the years I have had many struggles.  Which led to me not being able to keep up with my blog like I wanted to.  The truth is the struggle  is not over and life has become increasingly difficult as I am navigating through deep dark waters that I have never been through before.    I am learning that everyone has their own version of the truth.  Everyone takes sides-even if they say they don't. Everyone has a right to their own opinion but, that does not make it the truth.  I am thankful for friends who tell me the truth, I am thankful for friends whose version of the truth causes me to run into my Father's arms.

As this year comes to a close, there are many life lessons that I have learned and am still learning.  One thing I know for sure is that as much as I want to fast forward many parts of life, I know that certain things are necessary to do to get where I want to be, even if those things are painful and difficult.  And that is a hard, hard pill to swallow.  Where I want to be is in a place of peace and  health for myself and my children. 

So here are my Life Lessons-not in their entirety but a long list nevertheless:
  • Lesson #1  From my sister:  "When people show you who they are, believe them".
  • Lesson #2  God Loves the people you hate.
  • Lesson#3   Work Hard.
  • Lesson#4   Play Hard.
  • Lesson#5   Love  Hard- even in light of the fact that all life will end one day.
  • Lesson#6   Don't ever forget to love and take care of yourself, if you don't, who will?
  • Lesson#7   Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to say, "No."
  • Lesson#8   Sometimes the  hardest thing to do is to say "No More!"
  • Lesson#9   It's okay to do things your way-even if it's not perfect.
  • Lesson#10 It's okay not to be a superhero. 
  • Lesson#11 No matter what you do or say God Loves you-completely.
  • Lesson#12 Travel!  Even if that means opening a book or looking at an atlas.
  • Lesson#13 Watch the sun set.
  • Lesson#14 Watch the sun rise.
  • Lesson#15  Reach back and help those who are where you have been.
  • Lesson#16  Reach out and help those who want to be where you are.
  • Lesson#17  Tell those you love, that you love them, they can't read your mind.
  • Lesson #18  Thank God for the little things, that's where he usually shows himself Big.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

1 year without you

Dear Sebrena

Its been  exactly 1 year since you died.  I  have thought about you everyday.  Some days, the memories have made me laugh, other days, shake my head and wonder why.  Why did you  have to die?  I don't think I am any closer to that answer.  I don't know if it will ever be answered.  I was shocked when I got the phone call that you were gone.  And I could not stop my tears no matter how hard I tried.  I spent so much time trying to make sense of it all.   The only thing that made sense was that you loved hard, played hard and he gave 100% to everything - which has always inspired me.  How I miss you. How I miss your laugh. I miss laughing at the craziest things with you.  How I miss the looks that you used to give, when you thought I should know better.  I miss the looks you used to give when  we both knew that stuff didn't make sense. 

I sometimes find myself doing double takes if I see a car like yours  or if I see someone that looks like you.  Then I realize, you're gone.  Over the year I have gotten to the point that I can talk about you without welling up with tears.  I can watch home videos of you  without bawling.  I can drive the past the Cosmo and not breakdown and ask God why you are gone. I know your new home is far better than this world could offer.  Yet, I still love you, I still miss you and would give anything for you to be here with us. I know its selfish. 

 Merry Christmas  Dear Sebrena.   What is Christmas like in Heaven anyway? What do you do up there all day?  Are you still as amazed with Heaven's beauty as you were the first day  you arrived?  I'm sure there's no regifting in Heaven.  How does it feel to be surrounded by 100% pure Love?

The kids are getting bigger-they all still ask about you. The younger 2 ask why, just like I do.

I laughed the other day when I was telling my mother about how you were rushing me out of the door when I was in labor so I wouldn't have Tyler in the apartment but, I kept telling you I was fine and insisted on getting my video camera before leaving.  You were so nervous! More nervous than me.  It was hilarious.  Lo and behold, Tyler was born 2 hours later!

I remember all of the times you would hop off the shuttle and come through the patio doors  and scoop up Tyler and  sing and dance with him. Do you remember how he thought it was the funniest thing in the world?! I rarely locked those doors knowing that you or somebody would be coming through them after class.    Would you believe that he likes Jamaican beef patties?  By the way, he wants us to call him Ty now.

Briana eats turkey burgers now - without complaint unlike our first lunch date when you cooked them for us.  Do you remember her little 3 year old reaction?

Nicole is such a little Miss. And Noah is the BIG personality he has always been.  I still go to your 7-11, there are so many new faces there now. I had a couple things that I wanted you to report to corporate over the year but, I let them go.    I think of  you during times when I know that  we both would agree that things or peeps are "suspect" or when I see something or acquire something that's straight up "bootleg"  and I have to laugh because I hear your voice in my head each and every time!

Every once in a while I play back your  crazy voice mails-just to bring you into my day.  To us your life was so short.  Too short.   I often ask myself  whether or not I told you enough about  how much I loved you and how happy I was to have you in my life and part of my family, you were such a sister to me.  You were one of the first people I met when I came to the area. How could I ever forget you?

Did I tell you that I loved you enough? Because it seems to me that I met you one day and the next day you were gone.  It seems to me that our lives together passed by so quickly-even though a lot happened over the 7 1/2 years that I knew you.   I would give anything to have you back here but I know that's not happening.  So here I am.  In this broken world. Having to hold on until I can be with you in your perfect world. And I have no other choice but to wait for that time-whenever that may be.   I know you are in a better place.  I know where you are there is no pain- or sickness.  I know there is no heartache.  I know its perfect.

In the meantime, I'll cherish all the good times that we had together.  Until then I will laugh at the funny things I hear you say in my head.  Until then, I can only hope that I can be as good of a friend to others as you have been to me  and  our little crew.  I love you sweet Sebrena, and I always will.  Until  then...

Friday, December 9, 2011

My Lifecycle

I have always loved butterflies.  And for whatever reason I have been thinking about them and their life cycle for the last past day. (as if I don't have enough to think about). It fascinates me because it is so similar to what we experience as human beings, We are born, shed our skin several times during our lives, go through major transitions and stretching periods and finally emerge-hopefully into these beautiful beings that God designed for us to be.  But during that transition stage sometimes - at least I know for myself at times it doesn't appear as though anything is changing or growing,  and it may very well appear that way to others looking  from the outside, but things really are changing and growing, in that tight uncomfortable cocoon that seems to be squeezing the daylights out of the creature inside it.

Isn't it interesting that we are squeezed and stretched and are made very uncomfortable so that change can take place?  Sometimes the journey for some is longer than others but, eventually we all  get there.    I once heard that if someone or something interrupts this transition stage  and tries to open the cocoon and take the butterfly out because they don't want to see it struggle to get out, the butterfly then dies.  Could that be true of us?  That when we are rescued by others instead of being  supported by others,  we end up dying  in some form or another and not growing?

Today I surrender to this process of change, growth,  and transition once again.  I am praying for the strength to get through it.  I am looking to embrace the support of others but, not to be rescued and have my growth stunted.