Thursday, December 22, 2011

1 year without you

Dear Sebrena

Its been  exactly 1 year since you died.  I  have thought about you everyday.  Some days, the memories have made me laugh, other days, shake my head and wonder why.  Why did you  have to die?  I don't think I am any closer to that answer.  I don't know if it will ever be answered.  I was shocked when I got the phone call that you were gone.  And I could not stop my tears no matter how hard I tried.  I spent so much time trying to make sense of it all.   The only thing that made sense was that you loved hard, played hard and he gave 100% to everything - which has always inspired me.  How I miss you. How I miss your laugh. I miss laughing at the craziest things with you.  How I miss the looks that you used to give, when you thought I should know better.  I miss the looks you used to give when  we both knew that stuff didn't make sense. 

I sometimes find myself doing double takes if I see a car like yours  or if I see someone that looks like you.  Then I realize, you're gone.  Over the year I have gotten to the point that I can talk about you without welling up with tears.  I can watch home videos of you  without bawling.  I can drive the past the Cosmo and not breakdown and ask God why you are gone. I know your new home is far better than this world could offer.  Yet, I still love you, I still miss you and would give anything for you to be here with us. I know its selfish. 

 Merry Christmas  Dear Sebrena.   What is Christmas like in Heaven anyway? What do you do up there all day?  Are you still as amazed with Heaven's beauty as you were the first day  you arrived?  I'm sure there's no regifting in Heaven.  How does it feel to be surrounded by 100% pure Love?

The kids are getting bigger-they all still ask about you. The younger 2 ask why, just like I do.

I laughed the other day when I was telling my mother about how you were rushing me out of the door when I was in labor so I wouldn't have Tyler in the apartment but, I kept telling you I was fine and insisted on getting my video camera before leaving.  You were so nervous! More nervous than me.  It was hilarious.  Lo and behold, Tyler was born 2 hours later!

I remember all of the times you would hop off the shuttle and come through the patio doors  and scoop up Tyler and  sing and dance with him. Do you remember how he thought it was the funniest thing in the world?! I rarely locked those doors knowing that you or somebody would be coming through them after class.    Would you believe that he likes Jamaican beef patties?  By the way, he wants us to call him Ty now.

Briana eats turkey burgers now - without complaint unlike our first lunch date when you cooked them for us.  Do you remember her little 3 year old reaction?

Nicole is such a little Miss. And Noah is the BIG personality he has always been.  I still go to your 7-11, there are so many new faces there now. I had a couple things that I wanted you to report to corporate over the year but, I let them go.    I think of  you during times when I know that  we both would agree that things or peeps are "suspect" or when I see something or acquire something that's straight up "bootleg"  and I have to laugh because I hear your voice in my head each and every time!

Every once in a while I play back your  crazy voice mails-just to bring you into my day.  To us your life was so short.  Too short.   I often ask myself  whether or not I told you enough about  how much I loved you and how happy I was to have you in my life and part of my family, you were such a sister to me.  You were one of the first people I met when I came to the area. How could I ever forget you?

Did I tell you that I loved you enough? Because it seems to me that I met you one day and the next day you were gone.  It seems to me that our lives together passed by so quickly-even though a lot happened over the 7 1/2 years that I knew you.   I would give anything to have you back here but I know that's not happening.  So here I am.  In this broken world. Having to hold on until I can be with you in your perfect world. And I have no other choice but to wait for that time-whenever that may be.   I know you are in a better place.  I know where you are there is no pain- or sickness.  I know there is no heartache.  I know its perfect.

In the meantime, I'll cherish all the good times that we had together.  Until then I will laugh at the funny things I hear you say in my head.  Until then, I can only hope that I can be as good of a friend to others as you have been to me  and  our little crew.  I love you sweet Sebrena, and I always will.  Until  then...

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