Tuesday, February 28, 2012

21 days

On the 23, I got a job offer-Finally.  Although I have to wait for a training class to open up- I am excited none the less. So excited!

It has been 21 one days since I popped an Altoid in my mouth.  For an extremely long  time, I have had an extreme  beyond, real, obsession with those little crunchy mints.  Whether I needed them or not, I wanted  them. Some days I would down 2, sometimes 3 boxes.  I tried giving them up many times but, by the end of the day, I found myself making up for time lost and eating tons and tons of them. 

Then, 3 weeks ago,  I didn't feel well and I brainstormed about what I could cut out of my diet, and the first thing that went was Altoids.

Have I wanted them over the last few weeks? At times.   Did I eat anything crunchy as a substitute? No.  I figured if I had a substitute, I would soon become addicted to that.

 So I prayed a little about it and reminded myself of how my body felt and asked myself, if the Altoid are doing it to me, did I want to continue to eat them and feel that way?

 So little by little day by day, it got easier.  I have to admit last night I was in Walgreens and I went down the candy aisle and stopped in front of the Altoids.  They were only 99cents!  99cents!  I could eat them for that price.  So as I stood there paralyzed, I then made myself leave because I knew I was one day shy of 21 days.

In 21 days I would have normally consumed at least 42 boxes of Altoids, thats more  than what most people eat in 1 year! Its so shocking.

21 days free and I feel wonderful about this blast of victory on my journey to recover my health.   I thought I  would never be able to make it  21 days without all that minty goodness that I grown to love.  So now how should I celebrate?

Thursday, February 16, 2012


On my way to pick up Cookie from rehearsal last night a little white car passed me on my  right.  In big reflector tape letters his bumper read "You Matter".  What could I do except thank the Lord for reminding me that I matter and that I matter to him.

I went to my new office today- The Library and checked my email and found a little message from a friend.  I had been searching for some answers and  guess I found myself complaining all to often about how I feel tired of being "broken" or dealing with pain.  My attitude  was really based on feeling that God has been taking way to long to do what I want and need Him to do. 

I clearly saw from the response that I got that once again, God sees me  and has not forgotten me.  He wanted to let me know the difference between pain and being broken.   So whats the difference?

"Pain" I was told means, "Ouch, that hurts!"  Being "broken" means, "Whatever it takes Lord, even if it's painful".  I really needed to hear that. 

So while the stuff of life happens and it seems to be all consuming, I'm still here- it hasn't completely consumed me or taken me out of the game.  Lamentations 3:21-22 reads: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail".  Thank God that we are never forgotten and that he has an enormous amount of love & mercy. Be Blessed.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Only your will fulfills

I finally had an interview today.  It went very quickly, nevertheless it went well.  If they want me, they'll call back in three weeks when "training"begins.  I've been at this job search thing since July 2011.  Its been a long road. 

As I walked down to my car, my inner child suggested we go to the beach... so we did.  The beach was deserted. We didn't play in the sand this time, we didn't even lay down and nap. I sat down, faced the sun, wrapped up in my blanket, pressed play on my ipod,  put my head in my hands, and just cried. 

I have been having some great days.  Even though everything hasn't been perfect, I have enjoyed feeling good.  Yet  those great days have been followed by emotional turmoil that leaves me unsettled and wondering "what the heck just happened?".

I felt like I have taken so many strides to do the right thing, to try to  get a job,  to confront my demons and now I'm at a loss. I feel like my resume goes into this paper abyss of overlooked resumes.  I feel that sometimes my efforts to do what is right goes well while other times, it fails.  And when I try to confront my demons, things pop off in a thousand different directions.

 The formulas I have tried in the past don't work, and whatever I'm doing now seems to back fire at times also.   Yes, this is "the sad post".  The one that has to be written because no  other words come to me and I don't have the time to stare at a blank screen.  Yet, all of my hope is not gone although its running pretty low.

Tomorrow, I'll get up, take care of the kids, apply for more jobs, follow up on others, make phone calls and in between try to breathe in a little fresh air & do something to cultivate a little happiness.  Tomorrow, I'll wake up- again trusting and believing that God knows my name, sees my tears, sees my successes, sees my failures, sees my struggles and sees that I really do want to please Him.  Tomorrow I'll  believe all the more that He still loves me and cares about me even in the middle of this storm.

I know in my heart only He can do what I can not do.  In the middle of all my crazy the only thing I have left to trust is that He will help me and heal every part of me. The only thing I have left to hold onto is the belief  that He is who He says He is even though He seems like He's on the slow track to helping me.  The more I live this life, this life that has not gone according to plan, the more I see that  only He can fill the void inside of me.

Monday, February 13, 2012

A Crown of Thorns, No Magic Wand

First of all Dolly's birthday was fabulous! No matter how big she gets, she will always be my baby!

All through out my walk as much as I talked "faith talk" my heart always yearned for a quick fix and always hoped that an angel would come by and sprinkle pixie dust on my many situations and magically transform them into perfection.

I always hoped that God would wave His magic wand, answer all my prayers and questions and make all of my fears  and pain disappear. The problem with my fairy tale theology is that, God is real, He is not a fairy tale and He certainly doesn't operate like a fairy Godmother.

I walked a way last week with one big eye opener, He- Jesus doesn't have a magic wand, He has a crown of thorns.  What does that mean to me?  It means he already bore all my pain, He suffered beyond what I could ever imagine- all for me. He's very familiar with all my emotions, with my struggles,  nothing I say or do will ever surprise him, He's quite capable of carrying me, He's quite capable of caring for me.  That is no fairy tale.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Top 10 things I heard from the little people in my life this week.

In the mix of my busy week, I can always rely on someone under the age of 18 letting me know how they feel or what's going on inside of their little heads.  Here are some of the funny things I heard this week:

1. "I don't like the fries, they taste too mash potatoe-ish"
2. "Why do I have a winter birthday? Why couldn't I have a summer birthday?"
3. "You look 29".
4.  "I don't like any kind of food".
5. "Mom, you look college-ish. People in college where glasses".
6. "I have to go to college because everything in first grade is easy".
7. "Why is your pillow so heavy?"
8.  "Can we go to the basketball game next year?" (Talk about pre-planning!)
9. "Can I have a pop?" (asked @ 10 o'clock in the morning).
10. "Stuart Little looks weird".