Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Only your will fulfills

I finally had an interview today.  It went very quickly, nevertheless it went well.  If they want me, they'll call back in three weeks when "training"begins.  I've been at this job search thing since July 2011.  Its been a long road. 

As I walked down to my car, my inner child suggested we go to the beach... so we did.  The beach was deserted. We didn't play in the sand this time, we didn't even lay down and nap. I sat down, faced the sun, wrapped up in my blanket, pressed play on my ipod,  put my head in my hands, and just cried. 

I have been having some great days.  Even though everything hasn't been perfect, I have enjoyed feeling good.  Yet  those great days have been followed by emotional turmoil that leaves me unsettled and wondering "what the heck just happened?".

I felt like I have taken so many strides to do the right thing, to try to  get a job,  to confront my demons and now I'm at a loss. I feel like my resume goes into this paper abyss of overlooked resumes.  I feel that sometimes my efforts to do what is right goes well while other times, it fails.  And when I try to confront my demons, things pop off in a thousand different directions.

 The formulas I have tried in the past don't work, and whatever I'm doing now seems to back fire at times also.   Yes, this is "the sad post".  The one that has to be written because no  other words come to me and I don't have the time to stare at a blank screen.  Yet, all of my hope is not gone although its running pretty low.

Tomorrow, I'll get up, take care of the kids, apply for more jobs, follow up on others, make phone calls and in between try to breathe in a little fresh air & do something to cultivate a little happiness.  Tomorrow, I'll wake up- again trusting and believing that God knows my name, sees my tears, sees my successes, sees my failures, sees my struggles and sees that I really do want to please Him.  Tomorrow I'll  believe all the more that He still loves me and cares about me even in the middle of this storm.

I know in my heart only He can do what I can not do.  In the middle of all my crazy the only thing I have left to trust is that He will help me and heal every part of me. The only thing I have left to hold onto is the belief  that He is who He says He is even though He seems like He's on the slow track to helping me.  The more I live this life, this life that has not gone according to plan, the more I see that  only He can fill the void inside of me.

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