Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Year Seven

Yesterday was Noahkeem's birthday. He's now 7.  He's still  on the small side for his age but loaded with personality. What he feels he usually says-regardless of who is around.   As of late this little guy has been showering me with lots of hugs, kisses & "I love yous".  They always seem to come at the perfect time.

When I think that he's coming into my room to ask me for something-again, He says with all seriousness, "Mom, I love you" and puts his arms around my neck and pulls my face close to his, and then kisses me on the cheek.

As imperfect as I feel as a Mom at times, and without the benefit of a progress report of how I faired as a mother to him over the last 7 years, I always feel okay after hearing my little guy say, that he loves me.

All he wanted to do for his birthday was go to the pet store at the mall, pick out a dog and play with it and then go to Red Robin- his favorite restaurant. 

We went to the mall and picked out a Shi-Poo (Half Shi Tzu Half Poodle) & played with the little fur ball for a good 30 minutes before eating dinner.

With all the celebration, crumpled up wrapping paper left  behind on the kitchen floor, the only thing that was on my mind at the end of the night was how very blessed I am to have a sweet little son.  All I could think about was the first time I held him in my arms and how very tiny my little 5lb baby was and how proud I was to be his mother.

I thought about how gracious the nurses were to give him a little outfit that actually fit him so that he could get his first pictures taken. (the one I had got him was way too big).  I remember how his first year and a half was so busy with  special diets, doctors,  and specialists.  The days seemed so long.   It amazes me how he overcame all of that and how God healed his little body and gave me so much hope during that uncertain season.

My  prayer today is  that God would show me how to love him all the more as he gets older and way into adulthood. As he grows up  may I  have the same tender heart toward him as I did on the day that he was born.

Friday, June 22, 2012

He Wants It All

Do you ever wake up in the morning and there is a song on your heart?  This morning, a day with no mistakes in it yet, greeted me with this song softly playing on my heart.   As much as I want to give something more beautiful to the Lord, when I lift my hands this morning, they are just filled with things that don't seem much like a pure offering and it makes me think, "what kind of God continually wants messiness, broken pieces,  and negative emotions?"  "What kind of God continually pursues me so that we would have every opportunity on this earth to be in relationship with one another?".  "What kind of God takes what I give Him on yesterday  and the next day tells me He wants it all-today?"

As I keep hearing the song, I am certain, He wants me, even all of me. He wants all of the frustration, the laughter, the disappointment, the celebrations...everything.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

9 years

On Saturday my little Rocco, who is not so little anymore will be 9 years old.  It's so hard to believe that it has been 9 years.  So many memories flood my heart when the birthdays of my little people roll around.. 

I was so excited to meet my little Rocco on the night that he was born.  I could hardly stop staring at him.  I remember how my Sebrena was trying to rush me out of the door in between contractions while I was determined to get the movie camera before I left.  It almost make me laugh..and cry at the same time,  because I still miss her. 

I got to the hospital and a little over 2 hours later Rocco was born. He was 7lbs. 2oz.  He was my biggest baby. He was a good little eater and by the time he was 4 months old he was 22lbs! I never thought I could be in love with a little boy so much.

Over the years we  survived teething, potty training, climbing out of the crib, a 2 year old who gave up naps way too soon,  lost toys, shoes being thrown onto the roof of the house-which he still does til this day, balls floating away in the lake, early morning soccer games, blazing hot T-ball games,  3 trips to the Emergency Room, stitches and  1 spinal tap,  

I am so very blessed to be given the privilege of being a mother to this sweet little boy who is growing up up so fast.  May I never be too busy to get on the floor and play, to shoot hoops, to rub his back,  and to snuggle when he wants to.  May I never be so strict  that I don't ever let him stay up  past  bedtime, let him have extra dessert, and occasionally let him play the drums as loud as he wants to.

May I always remember the look in  his little  eyes the first time I held him in my arms on the night that he was born, the joy on his face when he began to walk, and the tears in my eyes, the day he learned to ride his bike.

May I always consider myself blessed to be called his mother.

Friday, June 8, 2012

I still believe

I took this picture in February 2012 at the beach on  the day I gave up... and let God iron out the details of my life.
I thought my last post was my last post.  It seemed as though the more I "preached" to others the more I was preaching to the choir.  If  I blogged about trust, I was put in situations where I had to trust others and trust God.  I Not so comfortable given my trust issues.  If blogged about how perfect things were, things fell apart 5 minutes later.  If I blogged about patience, soon after mine would be tested.  If I blogged about balance, I would find my world spinning out of control.

What was my solution to all of the pop quizes that life was throwing my way?  I chickened out and decided that I wouldn't blog anymore!  But I am back tonight,  blogging.  Not too sure what twists and turns this blog will take but, here I am, emerging, a changed girl.

As I was on my unannounced hiatus, I was still tested.  While I was away, I saw  that I couldn't escape life. Life is hard, and has been hard.  The only thing in my life that was certain and secure has been Jesus.  He has been my only true source of hope.

Once  I  discovered that He knew and could  identify with my woundedness, then I began to trust Him.  The Jesus that I learned about my whole life died on the cross  for all the bad things I did, and was whipped so that I could receive healing. But,  I never knew until the recent past that all of the  betrayal, abandonment, rejection, abuse, and nakedness that I have felt in my life, He has felt the exact same thing too.  He identifies with our pain. And that just blows me away. For so long I have felt invisible, to a certain degree to God. For so long I felt like I had to prove my love for Him, when all I had to do is be still...and know that He was God.

 The more I  cried my eyes out to Him and poured out all of the secrets, the hurt and ugliness in my heart, the more He has shown me His love. Nothing I have told Him has scared Him away from me. He cares about all the little details that I care about and even though I felt invisble, He always saw me. He never stopped being committed to seeing me smile again.  He never stopped being committed to healing me and designing me into a new whole woman.

Today ended with  the wind being taken out of my sails. The only thing I knew to do is just run to Him, like a little girl  with tears streaming down her face who  runs and jumps into her Daddy's arms trusting  that her Daddy would make everything better.

I sat on my bed and I laughed a little with tears in my eyes, reminding Him (and myself ) that just because certain unexpected things happened today, it didn't change the fact that He is who He says He is  and that He has not abandoned me and He would come through for me even though I didn't have all  of  the pieces to the puzzle.

As I go to bed tonight,  I don't have everything figured out. Tonight I am resting and believing that the Father in heaven is and always will be true to his Word and that gives me all the comfort I need.