Saturday, October 20, 2012

Can you read my blog from Heaven?

Dear Sweet Sebrena,

Happy Birthday.  Today we had gorgeous weather in our little part of the world.  I am sure if you were here right about now, you would be throwing some kind of shin dig to celebrate you...or someone would be throwing one for you.  The kids would have made all kinds of homemade gifts for you.  You all would have laughed and hugged  and they would hold on tight on purpose when you tried to let go.

I sometimes imagine that you are on vacation and you just haven't called because you're busy.  I sometimes imagine that you are going to call and say, "I was only joking, I really didn't die".  But I know deep down inside, that you are not here and that your not coming back.  I have always felt you  left this earth a little too soon.

I have never stopped thinking about you since you died.  Sometimes I laugh out loud with thoughts of  you.  Sometimes I'm just sad and wished you were here.   I wished you were here to see Dolly today. She was headed to a birthday party this morning.  She put on one of her Sunday dresses that she HAD TO wear, she put on her gold sparkly shoes, and a special necklace.  Before we left, she came over to me batting her lashes and  asked, "Do you like my make up?"  The girl had lavender eyeshadow on!  And lots of it.  (above her eyes and on her cheeks!).  Of course, I told her I liked it. (I had to at least take it off her cheeks).   I asked her who put her make up on and she said she did, and Noahkeem helped. I'm guessing he put the eye shadow on her cheeks.  Its funny things like that I wish you were here for.  

Every once in a while I play back my saved voice mails just to hear your voice.  As I listen, it feels as if you never left.  Every once in a while, we watch our home movies and there you are, saying something funny or doing something crazy on camera.

As time has passed the the pain of your death doesn't sting as much. Today I'm not sad, yet I still miss you.

I have stopped asking why.  I have stopped asking why you died so suddenly.  I have stopped asking  why your life was so short.  I have stopped asking if something could have been done differently.

It's okay that I don't have those answers.  What I do know is that I have never stopped loving you and never will.

Happy Birthday Sebrena. You're always in my heart.  


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